Managing the Stress of Safer at Home
BY MATTHEW SHIMA, LMFT (he/him/his)
It has been a little over a week since Mayor Garcetti issued the Safer at Home order in Los Angeles and I go through waves of feeling anxious, stressed, okay, frustrated, worried, calm, optimistic, angry, grateful, grievous, powerless, hopeful, connected, disconnected, sorrowful, and inspired. My guess is that maybe you’ve felt some of these things too.
Needs Not Met
For the majority of us, life as we know it has been thoroughly disrupted, so it makes sense if our mental health has also been disrupted. Right now, we are facing threats to many of our basic needs.
PHYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS: When we have decreased access to water, food, or basic hygiene supplies because many stores are sold out, our physiological needs are threatened.
SAFETY NEEDS: As a result of COVID-19, our physical health may already be impacted or we may be at risk for contracting the virus. We may feel similar concerns when healthcare workers don’t have the necessary equipment or protection or when our employment/income is at risk or already affected because of layoffs, business closures, or entire industries shutting down.
NEEDS OF LOVE AND BELONGING: Social distancing and self-quarantine are the tools to keep us safe, but they are simultaneously a stressor, as we are kept from our usual ways of nourishing friendships, intimacy, and connection. Many are experiencing grief as they have lost their loved ones or know someone who has fallen ill.
Common Responses to Stress
When our most basic needs are threatened, our biology can kick in to ensure our survival, throwing our nervous systems into a state of dysregulation. We might move between the various survival responses and sometimes get stuck in one of them.
FIGHT: Our bodies may shift into a fight response to counter a threat or danger. We might notice irritability, anxiety, worry, anger, or panic with increased muscle tension and heart rate and shortness of breath. In this context, it might look like hoarding supplies, having short tempers with family and friends, arguing with the restrictions/news, or waking up crying, feeling scattered, and experiencing difficulty breathing.
FLIGHT: A flight response is similar to a fight response in that it is accompanied by increased muscle tension and heart rate and shallow, rapid breathing, all of which gets our bodies ready to run from danger. Right now, this might look like avoiding work or difficulty focusing on tasks, not taking appropriate health precautions, or excessively binging shows, substances, or food.
FREEZE: We might have this response if danger is so immediate or overwhelming that we don’t have the ability to fight/flee. Staying still can be the most protective option in certain situations. This can sometimes feel like a fight/flight response with a lot of energy on the inside, but can feel like paralysis on the outside. A freeze can also feel like the opposite, where we feel numb, lethargic, checked out, or like we are outside of ourselves. This might look like staying in bed all day, not taking care of basic hygiene, feeling overwhelmed, confused, foggy, and not able to take care of things you need to do.
TEND AND BEFRIEND: A lesser-known response to stress can be to try to appease the threat through befriending an aggressor to decrease likelihood of being harmed. It can also be a response of creating a community of support through helping others. This might look like paying extra attention to the needs of others, volunteering, focusing more on your children, checking in with neighbors and family members, and creating plans for community aid.
Disrupted Coping
With this public health crisis, not only are our needs disrupted, but many of our usual coping strategies are also disrupted. Often when in distress, we may turn to others for social engagement, support, and soothing. Those we turn to may not be at the usual capacity to help, as the pandemic is affecting our entire support system. Also, with the protocol of social distancing intended to protect us, it can be disorienting to not be able to reach out and spend time with those who normally are there for us.
Right now, many of our go-to regulating strategies are not available to us. Going to the gym, participating in a yoga/fitness class, attending spiritual gatherings, participating in support groups and meetings, going out with friends, playing team sports, going out to cultural and arts events, spending time at the library, going shopping, and engaging in many hobbies are all temporarily off-limits. This can make it especially challenging because we have to adjust and learn new ways of coping as we are experiencing the stressful situation.
What Can I Do?
So what can we do with all this information? I invite you to take a piece of paper and try out these steps:
Pause. Notice your breath as it naturally flows in and out.
Write down the question “What’s helping me get through this right now?”
Write down as many answers as you can think of.
Read over your list and share with a friend.
Write out a list of your usual coping strategies.
Draw a star * next to the ones you can still use during the “Safer At Home” order.
See if you can modify any of the strategies that can’t do at home.
Draw an arrow (>) next to the strategy, write the modification, and star your new answer
ex: if you can’t go to your fitness class, see if they are now streaming online; if you can’t go to your favorite restaurant, see if you can have fun trying to recreate a dish at home.
Commit to doing one of these strategies everyday.
Consider the question “Do I have all of my basic needs met?”
Write down a column of needs met. Write down a column of needs not met.
After trying out one of your coping strategies, see if any new solutions become apparent to meet those needs.
To download a printable worksheet, click HERE.
Matthew is a psychotherapist, trauma and resiliency informed yoga teacher, meditation facilitator, and artist who is dedicated to serving individuals, couples, and families at his private practice, Shima Therapy, on the historic First Street North block of Little Tokyo. He uses a creative relational approach integrated with present moment awareness and somatic techniques to aid his clients in cultivating compassion, empowerment, joy, and connection.
Connect with him at: www.shimatherapy.com
This article uses ideas from Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, and Elaine Miller-Karas’s Community Resiliency Model (CRM).